Sunday, 6 July 2008

A Religious Experience


I'm getting increasingly more curious about this Scientology lark. Its all the rage these days and after reading a blog about it earlier today I decided to do a bit of probing (not in a rude way, but an investigative way). Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a religion to fill a void in my life, or to cleanse my soul and rid me of my sins. I'm simply curious to see what it's all about. Scientology, as far as I know (and I will hold my hands up and say I don't know a great deal), is based around a theory involving us living under the watchful eye of alien leaders. It also claims, despite contrary laws of evolution being somewhat established long ago, that we are all evolved from clams, or croissants or something silly......STOP! I know you may be tempted to re-read the previous statements, but as far as I can figure out, this is the basis of the religion (I wont go so far as to claim to have done any research into this, it's just what I heard on the grape vine, so no lawsuits please!). So it's got me, I'm intrigued, and who can blame me? This is the stuff of legend, no wonder so many movies stars are enticed by this wonderful ideal of extra-terrestrial overlords, it's like something straight out of a Hollywood blockbuster....and you know what? If its' good enough for Tom Cruise, then it may well be good enough for me. However I'm not about to leap into a decision as important as choosing a religion without doing a little research. So i decided to check out the official Scientology website.

Now after arriving at the site, alarm bells started ringing pretty early on. I'm down with the aliens and all that nonsense, it's a lovely thought, and as long as I'm not asked to swallow it as a fact, I'm cosy. However the first page of the Scientology website (which can be found at ...if any of you have managed to stop looking at porn long enough to realize the internet has other uses) seems to provide a problem for me...

"The word Scientology literally means "the study of truth." It comes from the Latin word "scio" meaning "knowing in the fullest sense of the word" and the Greek word "logos" meaning "study of."

Okey dokey then. I can only assume that the truth this site references isn't the truth that you and I know; the one based on fact, but instead one based on complete tittlewankle (this is a word I just made up which basically means bollocks). But despite this initial setback I still found myself eager to learn more about this cult/religion/hopefully-worldwide-prank-that-we-will-all-laugh-at-in-a-few-years-time-when-beadle-jumps-out-from-behind-his-camera-with-his-funny-little-hand-and-tells-us-we've-all-been-had. So I explored the site...

The first thing that attracted my attention was the free personality test! "I don't know me" I thought "I bet this religion motivated computer programme can help me find my true self/inner child" . And the way they worded it, well, it made it sound like a great deal:

"The churches of Scientology are extending an invitation to you to receive an OCA Personality Test and evaluation free of any charge or obligation.

Your personality has everything to do with your income, your future, your personal relationships, and your life.

A test of this kind would normally cost you $500.00 and up. It is offered to you here free of charge as a public service.

If you are not happy with life, you can find out why."

Now I am guessing here, but I'm about to take this test, and I have a funny feeling that the reason I am not happy with my life may well be because I haven't yet become a scientologist.... I though I should probably take the test and find out though. So I did......

Here's the information I had to submit before I got started. Luckily I had a cunning alias lined up so none of this could be tracked back to me:

Enter Your Information
Title: Mr
First name: Tom Last name: Cruise
Address: Hollywoodland
City : L.A State (US Only): CA
Zip/Postal code:TM CRZ State/Province (Non-US Only):
Country: U.S
Phone (Home): (Work):
Occupation: Actor/Nutbag Age: 40...ish Sex:Male
E-mail: TomCruise@remembermeintopgun?.com

Here are some of my favorite questions in the test, there were many, many more but i've already wasted the best part of an hour doing this so i'll just give you the highlights:

3. Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

Yes, yes I do......are you fucking serious?!

6. Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?

I occassionally get the odd accidental hard-on does that count?

11. Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

55. When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you?

Do you mean am I easily brainwashed? ....perhapse...keep talking you have a soothing voice.

88. If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?

Are these guys planning a war?...this worries me!

130. Are you aware of any habitual physical mannerisms such as pulling your hair, nose, ears, or such like

I occassionally scratch myself when I think no-one is looking...but thats okay Tom Cruise picks his nose...allegedly

After answering over 100 questions (yeah I know I should get out more, I don't need to hear it from you) along similar lines as those above, my faith that such details of my life could lead to a true understanding of my personality was weening.....and then they hit me with it....a graph! How could I doubt such clear statistiacl evidence? Besides...we already know that "The word Scientology literally means "the study of truth." And i could now see it in front of me, in colour and everything!

Okay so here are the results (in said graph form), and I have to tell you; things aren't looking good for me!

(In the not so improbable circumstance that this graph doesn't load i'll give you a brief synopsis. According to the survey I'm depressed, aggressive, emotionally unstable and there's a good chance my cock will fall off if i don't become a scientologist IMMEDIATELY!)

Well, as you can see from the handy graph, I'm in a fucking state! But I think its going to be okay! because theres a link that says 'something can be done to change the conditions of my life'...i'm going to click it!:

........... i wonder whats coming


Start improving conditions in your life right now. Scientology: A New Slant on Life contains both a discussion of the profound principles and concepts on which Scientology is based and remarkable practical techniques anyone can use to improve his life.
Scientology: A New Slant On Life (book available at
Ahhhh, shocker!

....Well I can be grateful for a couple of things here I guess;

Firstly, i'm not a scientologist....secondly, i didn't pay $500 for that personality test...and thirdly...I will never be part of a religion that was invented by a bloke in a neckercheif!

L. Ron Hubbard

....unless perhaps its 'Fred' from 'Scooby Doo'...he looked very fetching in his!

<-- L. Ron Hubbard....founder of scientology, alien and clam enthusiast and all round playful nutter!

I didn't bother looking at the rest of the site to see if what I had heard, about aliens and clams was indeed the basis of scientology. To be honest I'm suprised that my attention was kept for this long, but the football's starting now so I'm going to watch that a real man would!

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